Miracles.

 

"What if I really thought some miracle would see us through?

But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you?"

Ronan - Taylor Swift



You will never understand the pain of losing a baby, until that baby is someone who changed your life.

The line in the song of Ronan by Taylor Swift "And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?" - Ronan by Taylor Swift hits me everytime. I thought so much that Brooklyn would beat all odds. I swore she was going to get to go home one day and she was going to grow up into this beautiful little girl. Despite what Drs said Brooklyn always seemed to prove them wrong. I thought a miracle would take place and she'd live to be healthy. I guess i'll never understand if my faith wasnt strong enough or if I was praying wrong.

Grieving is different each time someone dies and its different for each person. I had dealt with the death of my grandparents, a classmate, a cousin, etc. But when the triplets were born and Brayden and Braxton both died when they were born, those two deaths tore me apart. Simply because, I remember being told that my cousin Rae was going to have triplets. She had a beautiful little boy who died of SIDS, not long before she found out she was pregnant with the triplets so thats why we all were so excited. I proudly displayed the sonogram on my facebook, etc. I love my little cousins (thats no secret) lol. When I got the news in the very early morning hours of May 10th it was an intense day... Not long after we had to bury Bray and Brax, placing roses on their small caskets. Meanwhile there was a strong little girl in the NICU fighting. I'll never forget that day because just hours later I was in Bethalto, Il at an Illinois girl retreat. I felt guilty being there, I felt guilty to laugh, or have fun because of this tragic time. Through the coming weeks her journey was a short but a long one full or triumph and set backs.

I remember the first time I saw her, and I had to scrub my arms with Iodine before going into the NICU. She was soooo tiny! Much more than pictures could even begin to show. My heart broke into a million different pieces seeing this little baby struggling to survive. So, the day I got the call the drs were taking her off the machines was the day I felt like my whole world was crashing down. I felt like they were giving up on her, how could they give up on this little girl who showed her will to fight?! Going 80mph to make it to St.Louis to see her before they took her off the machines. I held her in my arms and instantly the bond we had connected and I couldnt believe that I was holding her in my arms. Rae told me "you can hold her for as long as you want." I held her for a good while, talked to her, prayed for her, she squeezed my finger, she made facial expressions, I watched her breathe in and out, and I held her hand. Those memories still feel so real.

How could you make sense of the death of an innocent baby? I still cant.

"Come on baby with me we're gonna fly away from here... I love you to the moon and back."

- Tiffany Elaine

In loving memory of

Brooklyn Jade

May 10, 2010 - July 21, 2010

Update: Lee University.

Hey guys.

Well.... I wasnt going to write this nor was I going to share it, but its going to get out to someone soon enough so I wanted it to come from me first.

I am officially leaving Lee University as of tomorrow (Sunday). Please let me explain what happened.

Before you jump to conclusions, I did not chose to leave because I missed home or anything like that. The fact that im actually leaving is so devastating. Lee University has been my dream for the last 4 years, and right now im actually not sure if that was Gods plan for me at this point in time right now.. Wait. I know what you guys are thinking already, I have said that I feel Lee University is where God has purposed me and where he wanted me to go. I truthfully really felt that. Now, here comes the confession... Something I didnt ever show was really the hesitancy about Lee University. There as always been a pull in my heart about coming here, and to be honest maybe I convinced myself so much that this is where God wanted me when all along this may not be where he wants me right now.

Right now im torn. If you knew the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain I have been in since yesterday its almost something I couldnt bare to be honest. Thankfully I had youth pastors and some great people who mean alot to me texting me, calling me, and checking in on me. Although at times I simply just could not answer the phone because of the anguish I was in. To those people, you know who you are, and honestly I could not have made through this without those people.

This isnt an easy decision for me. I love it so much here and I have so many friends, my college was even offered to be completely paid off believe it or not. I love my roomate, my dorm room,  and I love sitting at the eternal flame fountain late at night with my friends sharing Gods amazingness. I just feel like this isnt Gods plan right now. You may not understand it and thats okay because right now I dont even understand all thats going on. I can say though that im in alot of pain emotionally and spiritually and need alot of prayers. I know God is going to get glory for this, I know that no matter what his calling on my life is still the calling and he will continue using me regardless if im here at Lee University.

I feel like alot of people are going to be disappointed in me, but I cant do this for anyone else and my motives need to be in the right place (which in a way I feel like they werent). I need to do this for me. Like I said I wish I could stay this is the most amazing place in the world, im in awe of its beauty. Its just right now I dont think its in Gods timing and plan.

Im struggling with the fact that alot of people are saying im "quitting." I guess im just going to have to be strong and really dig in and lean on God through this time because he knows my heart in this. I was talking to my youth pastor on the phone earlier and like I said i've cried non-stop since i've been here, havent slept, hardly eaten, etc. As I was on the phone with her, I had been holding myself together all day because of the various things that was mandatory for me to attend today, and so talking to her I just lost it. I told her "I dont want to give up on my dreams." She told me something that really struck me she said "Just because you are leaving Lee University does not mean you are giving up your dreams." That really struck me because, I feel like im failing alot of people right now. Thats why I really feel like I need to get my heart back in order, focusing on God, and digging into his word to get an understanding of his plan.

You guys probably dont understand this and I understand cause like I said I dont really understand it right now either. Things that i've confessed in this blog are things i've hidden and kept to myself, which was a mistake. I should have prayed about this alot more and found out what the pulling in my heart was instead of just getting wrapped up in my own dreams and doing something that may or may not be Gods plan for my life.

This is so crazy for me to say because this is all i've ever wanted, for 4 years!!! I have worked so hard in everything to get this far, but again like I mentioned earlier, did I get wrapped up in my own dreams and forget the purpose that God had for me???

This is something thats going to take time for me to understand, its feelings that I cant really describe unless maybe you've went through something similar.

I do want to ask you all for your prayers though and encouragement. To be honest im quite frustrated with myself, but there is nothing more that I want than to live for God every single moment of my life and in every moment he get the glory. If I did convice myself that this was Gods plan then I apologize. However, it still may be Gods plan for me to be at Lee University someday, I dont know. Im going to let him decide that when the time comes.

If any of you know what im going back to when I go home, you must realize that this is a really hard and life defining decision i've had to make. I feel like i've been looking for happiness in things, people, and places for a long time now and tonight sitting in the service, God spoke these words gently to my heart as I was praying "You've been looking for happiness, peace, and prosperity in things, people, and places where you've thought you'd find them. All along I am the one who loves you, cares for you, and I have a plan for you. Stop listening to all the voices that have been clouding my vision for you, and come to me. Stop being fearful of your brokenness, I am the healer of the broken things, and I will piece your life together how I designed it to be." Sometimes I fail to realize im only 18 and im going to stumble in my walk with God because im human, but there's nothing I want more than to be in his will everyday of my life. Im just trying to discover what that is right now.

This is probably something I should've done a long time ago, but this situation has really put me in a place of desperation (how coincidental is it that just last Friday I spoke on desperation and here I find myself in the situation). Anyway, im really sorry if i've disappointed people, or have failed to be the person you wanted me to be. I've listened to too many voices for too long and its time I get back to the one voice that is all that matters.

As I write this im getting ready to start packing my things. Be in prayer for me, send positive comments, etc. Im digging into the word and finding who I am is not who God wants me to be in this moment. I love you all and thank you all for the support. I know i've not been the most positive person lately, and I want to say im sorry for that. My faith has really showed a lacking and that is no one's fault but my own and only I can change that, but God is bigger than all of this right now. I want to focus on him. Thank you.

- Tiffany Elaine

Its not over.

After laying in bed for the last hour trying to get a little bit of sleep before we leave, I just couldnt do it. I cant describe how im feeling to be honest, so I wanted to try and blog this moment so I could look back one day and see it. Bare with me if its a little crazy, my mind is going in 75 million different directions.

First of all, I feel like there is this heavy truck sitting on my chest. I want to cry, but im telling myself to be strong. Encouraging myself with bible verses, listening to praise and worship, and praying. I dont know why this is so hard and scary for me, its not only the place where I feel God has called me to be, but its been a dream of mine. I will admit it, I am the worst person to deal with when it comes to change. It stinks! Im going to be okay, im sure. Right now I just cant see through the painful part of this transition. This is the part of the process where I feel like God has to break me to mold me into who he wants me to be. As I type this I have this really heavy lump in my throat that aches as I try to fight back the tears, im sure know what im talking about. I dont want this whole experience to feel negative, but right now my heart is hurting for an unknown reason.

Im tired, and exhausted at this point would be an understatement. I wish I knew what God was going to do, I wish I could see how this all is going to play out. But, thats not faith at all.  How little is my faith right now? Ouch!

All I know is im so glad that this world isnt our home, I deffinetly could not live here forever. My heart aches knowing i've had to say goodbye to people who have been holding me together during a very difficult time.

I will admit right now I need God more than I have ever, I need prayers, support, and encouragement as I try to keep my focus on his will for my life.

I need peace in this painful transition.

As long as God gives me the strength im moving forward. Its not over.

- Tiffany Elaine

Moving Forward.

Wah!!!

Let the emotional week begin, as if this weekend hasnt been emotional enough. I must face my denial this week. Regardless, im moving.

I knew following the call of God on my life would be a journey, but wow, this journey has been much more different than I could've ever expected. Dont get me wrong its an exciting time, but its also been a time of sacrifice for me.

 

 

No matter what, I have to face my fears this week. Especially when I know that by moving to Lee, im following where God has called me for this season. I have wanted to turn back multiple times during this journey, but a man told me a couple months ago "Do not let anyone or anything stop you from going to Lee this fall, you have to go." His words echo in my mind everytime fear arises.

I am leaving people who right now hold me together in the season im in.

Honestly, im not sure how im going to leave my Youth Pastors Mark, Rachel, and little sweet Chloe. I mean I miss that little girl after a day, not seeing her will be hard!!! Rachel and Mark have been so incredible to me. Words cant really even say how much I will forever love them. They are like parents to me. I will forever be in debt to them for the love they've shown me. I know God has them in this season of their life; working with the youth at West City Cog. He is deffinetly blessing their lives and taking them into a new place. Everytime I try writing something about these two, I seem to be at a loss for words. To be honest, I dont think there's enough time in the day to say how much I love them and how much they mean to me. They're not just friends, not just youth pastors, but they're my spiritual parents. It seems silly to feel so sad about leaving them considering i'll see them on my breaks at home, but its just not the same when you're living far away.

Shawna,

Wow... How could I even begin to imagine leaving this girl?! We've been through SOO much together. When she went through Cancer it was really hard for me as a friend to watch her go through it, but not once did she complain or say something negative about it. Thats amazing in my eyes. She is my spiritual sister, and she's going to live an amazing life! A relationship with a bestfriend is one of the most amazing things in life, always knowing that person is there for you 1000000%.  Im going to miss our talks, our lame silly jokes, our car ride, writing on our Youth Pastors car windows ;). Who knows maybe in 2 years Shawna will be at Lee! :)

Its a possibility.

I am really excited to finally begin my life, to start this new season, to walk in the call and will of God. I've been thinking lately about how different this new life is going to be for me. If any of you know me, you'll know what im talking about. Mark told me last night "you do not have to live like that anymore." That touched me because fear seemed to be a constant emotion through this whole journey, and to hear someone who loves me reassure me that the past is about to be over, this chapter of my life that i've been going through for sooo many years is about to come to close.

I was laying in bed last night about 1 am and I was thinking "Dreams seem so exciting when they're just dreams." Its so different when dreams become reality. Growing up is fun, you find a sense of freedom, but its also a huge huge huge responsibility! Im not saying I have it all together, but I know that I try my very best to be responsible and mature when it comes to making "grown up" decisions.

I guess the main thing that scares me is, leaving a season i've been in for so long. It creates a sense of fear, and only some will understand what im talking about. A fear that says "what if I miss this season when its all ive ever known?" Now, only some of you will understand what im talking about. I am going to spend this week packing my things into totes, loading them into the car, and driving 6 1/2 hours away from this life that i've known. GULP!

Saying all that, im just ready to jump in! Sink or swim. Im tired of being scared of the "what ifs" im ready to face my fears. I've made it this far, im not turning back, im moving forward. Ready or not, im moving forward.



What REALLY happens at Illinois Cog Youth Camp...

I bet you can't guess what really goes on at Youth Camp?

You probably think its fun or that its just a 5 day break from your kids.

I've stated this multiple times this week, I have a WHOLE NEW RESPECT for all my state leaders and those who make this week possible (Chad, Jennifer, Roger, Tashya, Jenny, Michael, Amber, Jerry, Mike Mayberry, Paul Avery, The ministry team, MTip for the media work, that's just to name a few).

They do SOO much and there is so much that goes on behind the scenes that you don't see.

Being part of staff this year was so rewarding. It was definitely different than being a camper.

I feel as I've grown in my walk with God and matured, it was rewarding serving God in any way I could at Youth Camp alongside the people who've impacted my life in such a positive way. They truly love, live, and show the love of Jesus for this state, and the passion they have to serve God in his ministry is truly humbling. Thank you leaders! We appreciate you.

I'm going to give a quick recap of what really goes on at Youth Camp.

Day 1 - Got to camp, unpacked in my room, played field games with the kids, went to dinner, cleaned the cafeteria, went to service, worked the candy land canteen, worked fun time, cleaned, went to bed.

Day 2 - Got up early (5 am), prepared for the day (praying & reading), went to breakfast, cleaned, got the game schedule ready, cleaned all the bathrooms on the campground, got the field games ready for the day, went to lunch, cleaned the cafeteria, swept and mopped, worked field games, walked around to video for MTip, worked candy land canteen, did boy field games, picked up the sports, went to dinner, cleaned the cafeteria, went to service, cleaned the bathrooms in the sanctuary, worked candy land canteen again, worked fun time, cleaned the gym, and after a long day finally went to sleep.

The same thing pretty much goes for day 3. These were probably the hottest days (1,2, &3) of Youth Camp EVER!

Night 3 was so humbling to me, it was the only night that I got to spend time praying for the kids at the altar because I had to work candy land canteen (which by the way was AWESOME). Watching the kids at the altar gave me chills, they ARE the future of the church. We need to be living examples to them because they are watching us. My heart breaks for not only teenagers but for these younger kids. Many of them probably don't have christian homes so seeing them humble themselves at an altar trusting that they have Godly men and women interceding for them and praying for them was so humbling. I don't know any other way to explain it, I felt humbled, I felt an overflow of anointing during the altar service. There is nothing more encouraging than seeing little kids praying at the altar accepting Jesus and praying for their lives.

By night 4, I was definitely feeling exhausted lol. It was going to be a long night anyway because we had planned to get everything packed up, all the sports equipment and everything. After a days work, during service Pastor Paul Avery (camp speaker), asked the adults to come forward, this included leaders, cabin leaders, nurse, rec staff, ministry team, etc. He asked the kids if they trusted him, they said yes, he asked the adults if they trusted him, we said yes. As the adults stood up front he had the kids repeat this line, "I AM the future of the church", then he had the adults repeat this line "I AM the church." He explained to the kids how we had prepared and worked all week to make this an amazing week for them, he explained that most of us (if not all of us) were tired, drained, exhausted. He had the children come pray for each adult up there (Honestly the anointing on this was amazing).

In return the adults then prayed for the children, uplifting them, because as stated before they are the future of the church.

Then began a long night of work considering it was the last night and lots had to be done. Myself, Gary, and Emeri cleaned the sanctuary, bathrooms, swept, mopped, vacuumed, did garbage, did the gym, packed up all the rec sport stuff, etc. It was a very long night, but worth it.

So leaving day was bittersweet, I loved serving God and making this an amazing week for the kids to encounter God. I enjoyed seeing my friends and those who have made such big impacts in my life, so it was sad saying bye to those, considering some of them I wont see for a while because I'll be leaving for Lee in 4 weeks. There was work to be done too on leaving day so it was pretty fun getting to work hard one last time before leaving. :) HONESTLY, it was fun :).

This is what really goes on at Youth Camp, yes its a place of fun, learning, and seeing friends, but there is much more that goes on behind the scenes to make this week possible for the kids.

Honestly, I'm humbled, blessed, and thankful. This week was great.

-Tiffany Elaine

You are for me.

Hey!!! :)

Hmm, where to begin. There seems to be so much running through my mind as I try to write this. Its been a while since I posted. I love writing, its a place where I can just pour myself into. Lately, i've just had this fear about all sorts of things. School, life, etc.
I think what if my classmates dont understand my life, what if they dont like me, what if my roommate doesnt like me, what if I miss home more than enjoying walking in my purpose, what if I get lonely and am not happy in Tennessee. Its scary!

I've noticed that lately i've just been so stressed and so worried.
I knew this journey was going to be a hard one filled with ups and downs but honestly, I never thought I would feel this way. I think though that we try and play things out in our minds and plan things in advance but Gods plan is different than ours. One thing that I find that has been weighing heavy on my heart is just being me.

I never want to be someone im not. Believe it or not, being yourself is one of the scariest things you have to decide to do. You have the fear of rejection of those who dont like who you are. I know you cant please everyone and not everyone is going to like you, but it still doesnt change the fact that you want people to like you. I dont have the luxurious lifestyle, I dont live in a 2 story house thats absolutely gorgeous with my parents who are married, but none of that makes me any less of a person than someone who has all of that. I've worked hard, been through alot, and have come out stronger because of my life. Im no different than any other Christian. I still worship the same God they do, I still love to serve Him, I love melting in his presence. Its hard, but one thing I choose to do is to be myself.
Roommate assignments are going to be given out soon and i've been talking with my friends telling them that I hope I dont get a skinny roommate, cause I'd feel insecure. That right that really tugs on my heart. NOTE to self & anyone else: I need to know im beautiful because God made me, regardless of my size. The thing is I KNOW this, but there's those little moments of insecurity that always weigh on someone.  Hey, what can I say im human? :)

There's times I think about my life, my testimony, how to me it feels shameful, but the facts is regardless of how I feel about it, its miraculous, its strength, its a literal testimony of how God takes broken pieces of someone who surrenders to him and shows them the purpose they were created for. I am strong, I dont say that boastfully, I say it because I need to remind myself all the time. Sometimes being strong is the only thing that keeps me going through trials and hard times. So many times you could just give up, but there's always an ounce of strength that God has placed somewhere deep inside and you keep pushing on.

I think about how lonely it might be in Tennessee. I've known loneliness and how sometimes you feel like no one cares, but you know that there is always one who cares and who is always there with you. Its a scary thought to think about especially when you've been there before. I never thought that loneliness would ever be a feeling about moving to Tennessee.

I feel like I have so much to do, so much stuff to think about, and so little time. I dont feel like I have enough clearity in my mind to think properly everyday lol. Its been crazy, its been so hard, its been painful, but I know my reward will come.

Lately, with all these scary thoughts i've just been reminding myself God is for me.
He's still Holy. He's still Sovereign. He's faithful.  He's Gracious. He's merciful. He's love. He's stronger. He's greater. He's my help. He's on his way. He's constant. He's truth. He's patient. He's on time. He's for ME.
Its been a struggle, but as I write this I think i've literally clicked replay on Kari Jobe's "You Are For Me" atleast 15 times. Lol.

Im me. Im human. This post is real. Its truth.
 Its life, my life.
Its my story.

But....
I know that You are for me Jesus.


Xoxo,
Tiffany Elaine.

Blessed!

Where to begin? Wow!

I have been working the Youth table at the Illinois COG Campmeeting this past week and tonight was our final night. Let me just say, today definitely made for a very long day. However, as I walked into the gym at Campmeeting tonight to begin working at the table I was moving the papers around and straightening them up I noticed something sticking out from the papers. It was an envelope addressed "Tiffany". I looked at my friend who was there with me, confused. I wasnt going to open the card and read it in the church because I wanted to respect those who may have walked through the doors.

BUT (no im not going to say "he was a leper") haha. As I peeked into the card to see who it was from, I saw no name. I didnt read the card but instantly I began to tear up. I looked at my friend and asked the question "Who did this?", "Who thought of me enough to bless me in such a way?", "Who put this here?". I repeated this multiple times all throughout the time I was back there working the table. It was so overwhelming. I put the card aside and did my job. SOLD ALOT of t-shirts :). During service I really wanted to focus on the sermon and then in the sermon he mentioned blessing someone. To me that was just so sweet to hear during the sermon. Can I just say, what an AMAZING week it has been at the Illinois Church of God Campmeeting!

After service I went and sold more t-shirts, then began packing everything up and cleaning up. I got in the car and before I left I opened the card and I read it, then read the special words the person had put in there. I was so teary eyed and so overwhelmed by the kindness, thoughtfulness,  and sweetness. It was such a blessing. 

It has been a rough 8 months for me going through personal battles and trials. But through it all God has always been faithful and he's never forsaken me no matter what i've gone through.  Each and every moment whats good and what gets broken happens just the way he plans. What others mean for harm he turns for good. SO, the thought of someone taking that time to think of me was heartfelt and sincerely meant the world to me.

I dont know who gave this card, I dont know why they gave it, I dont know who would've even have thought of me enough to show such kindness. BUT, I do want to say that if this person is reading this I want you to know that it meant so much more to me than i'll ever be able to explain. Only God knows what i've dealt with this last week and he used YOU to bless and encourage my heart in a way I never thought i'd feel. YOU are a blessing. YOU showed the love of God through this blessing. YOU touched a life. God knows who this person is and I just pray that God blesses this person a thousand more times than they blessed me tonight.

To whomever sent this blessing; I love you and appreciate you from the depth of my heart. 

Xoxo,

Tiffany Elaine.

Cherish every moment.

Selah - I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take,
Things I wanted to show you,
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes,
Who could love you like this ?
People say that I am brave but i'm not,
Truth is i'm barely hanging on,
But there's a greater story,
Written long before me,
Because He loves you like this.

So I will carry you,
While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle,
Through the coming years,
I will carry you,
All my life,
And I will praise the One who's chosen me,
To carry you.

Such a short time,
Such a long road,
All this madness,
But I know,
That the silence,
Has brought me to His voice,
And He says.

I've shown her photographs of time beginning,
Walked her through the parted seas,
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes,
Who could love her like this ?

I will carry you,
While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle,
Through the coming years,
I will carry you,
All your life,
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me,
To carry you.

This blog post is more personal, emotional, and deeper than my other blog posts. Cherish every moment.

Some days its harder than others. I think about Brooklyn constantly. Its the songs, its the pictures, its the memories, the holidays, the bond we shared that make me think of her. She was only my cousin, but I cant explain the bond we had. I loved her and her brother and sister when I found out I was going to be a cousin to triplets. I will never forget the early morning May 10 4-5ish am when I heard the news that they had to bring them into this world too soon. Brayden and Braxton both lost their life that day. I will never forget going to their funeral just hours before having to go to an Illinois Church of God girls day event. My heart was shattered but I chose to go anyway. While I was at this event, there was a frail little girl fighting for her life at 1 lbs 6 oz.

Pictures make her seem much bigger than she was. Nothing in the world can prepare you to see a sweet tiny baby fighting for her life. As I walked into her room at Cardinal Glennon Childrens Hospital my heart broke. She was small. I remember talking to her and seeing her little foot kick. I asked the nurse how she was doing, she replied "Well, she's a really sick little girl". I told her "she's going to be okay, she has God on her side." For 2 months and 11 days Brooklyn Jade fought. She had overcome many things and had people all over America and the world praying for her. As I held her in my arms on Wednesday July 21, 2010 knowing this would be the last time on earth I would see her, the last time I would hold her, feel her hand hold mine, I wasnt prepared to let her go. I didnt want to stop holding her.

Leaving the hospital that day I knew it was a matter of hours before she gained her home in Heaven. I remember walking through the front doors of the church that night, and before service I got the news that Brooklyn had went home to be with Jesus at 5:55 pm. I have peace in knowing i'll see her again, but I cant help but think what she would look like, learning to talk, learning to walk, playing, laughing, and smiling. In all this being said, I know she is in a greater place than I am. She's with her creator.

Premature birth has changed my life and opened my eyes in ways I would've never imagined. I have lost 5 infant cousins too soon. 4 of which were premature. Camron (SIDS), Brayden (preemie), Braxton (preemie), Brooklyn (preemie), and Ethan (preemie). So premature babies/SIDS and their families all hold a special place in my heart. Because I know it never gets easier. Everything reminds you of them, but I find my strength in God. I dont know how anyone can make it through such pain without God. I know I couldnt deal with Brooklyns loss without the Lord because through her journey he was my strength. Now all I have is pictures, a video, and memories of this little girl.

If you've lost a child or have lost a baby in your family to premature birth or SIDS, just know that God is your strength. He had a purpose for their life and they definitely leave their mark on this world in a great way. Brooklyns life has taught me to cherish life because we are not gauranteed another day. There is a quote from Courageous that I hold onto on days when I miss Brooklyn

"At a moment like this, silence seems to be the only emotion that fits. What can we, as mere men say to a grieving shattered heart? We speak today because we have a living hope. Death is no respecter of persons. Death is no respecter of youth. Death is a painful intruder and a pernicious reminder of our human condition. But I stand before you today to declare that we have a living hope and that causes us to rejoice greatly. If your hope today is found in the fact Jesus is no longer entombed... Because He lives, the grieving broken heart has hope, and reason to rejoice."

I'll end this post with that and know that we'll see them again soon if our hearts are right.

Be encouraged,
Tiffany Elaine.

"Dance with me daddy"

Today I was at the park with my little cousin. I played basketball with him for awhile and then sat on the court to watch him play with his friends. A couple minutes later I see a little boy (age 4-5) running up the hill by the courts and running behind him was his dad. The little boy was laughing and smiling so big, his dad was chasing him laughing too.

The little boy had his own little ball and his dad a regular basketball. They played together on the basketball court for a little bit but since the little boy was still small he couldn't get the ball in the basket so his dad lifted him onto his shoulders and helped lift him up to put the ball in the basket. The little boy again was smiling and laughing. They played for a while more and then started playing (tackling, wrestling, tickling) in the grass area. The little boy never stopped smiling or laughing.

Fathers are very important in a child's life. In our world today there are many kids growing up without fathers for many different reasons. There are kids hurting daily because of the absence of their fathers/mothers. I think boys look up to their father for that guidance and to do that male bonding with to make the boy grow up strong and become the protector of his own family some day. I think the girls look to their daddys for the meaning of what love really means.A girl is her daddys little princess and the first prince charming the little girl meets is her daddy.

Watching that little boy and his dad today made me think back to a movie "Courageous". If I've ever been touched by any movie it's that movie. In the movie Emily (the little girl) asks her daddy to dance with her in the grass of the bank parking lot. Too scared to be embarrassed the dad says "I'm dancing with you in my heart" and so the little girl begins to show him how to dance. In the movie, the little girl dies in a car wreck. The dad is laying in bed one night and has a dream of that day when she was dancing in the grass and he wakes up crying saying "I should've danced with her." That event in his life brought him back to Gods word and he begins studying on how to become a better father to his 15 year old son, who he had an estranged relationship with. His son loves to run and had been trying to get his dad to run with him in a 5k race before the accident. During the fathers journey in scripture about learning how to become a better father he creates this resolution to stand up and be the man and father God has called him to be. My point is cherish every moment cause it isn't promised.

For those of you who don't have your father in your life, I know it hurts, and I know you look at children with their dad wishing you could have that. Maybe you don't know your dad, maybe your dad has chosen not to be part of your life, maybe your dad has chosen a lifestyle of drugs/alcohol over having a relationship with you, maybe your dad passed away, maybe your parents are divorced and you live with your mom and never see your dad much. My encouragement to you is hold on to God. I know it may sound cliche but when you encounter his love you will know what the love of a father is. He may not be able to physically be here with you but he is in your heart if you've accepted him.

My point is, today as I watched the little boy and his dad I kept thinking about writing this blog. I know many of my teen friends go trough this feeling of wishing they had this father figure in their life because their father is absent in their life. In a way I'm thankful I can relate because I can write this knowing how it feels. I also know that Jesus loves us, and because of that we can understand the real meaning of love. Jesus will never leave us, never give up on us, never get mad at us, and will never walk out on us. I believe that's why it's so hard sometimes because we can not fully understand how deep, how wide, how great God loves us. We compare our relationship with Jesus to that of a human relationship. We think that if we mess up and sin, he will leave us and get mad at us. That's not true. He loves us, he loves us so much that he sent his own son to die on a cross. That blood that came from his body shows the meaning of love, because his blood heals us, restores us, helps us, saves us, heals our broken hearts, and gives us strength to make it through this life.

Heres what we can do, we can love our fathers and pray for them. This generation can break the cycle of fatherless homes by loving God and serving him in our lives. Young men can choose to be the father and husband to their kids and wife that God has called them to me and young women can be the mother and wife God has called them to be by serving God and devoting their life to him so that in both their lives/marriages/parenting God is number one, God is the center, and it all revolves around him in our daily lives.

"We were made to be courageous, we were made to lead the way, we could be the generation to finally break the chains" - Casting Crowns song Courageous.

Be encouraged,
Tiffany Elaine.

Just watch me.

Wow ! Only 12 days until I head off to Tennesse for a couple days to visit Lee University ! I also have an appointment to register for my classes :) ! It's all becoming so real ! I've dreamed about these days for 4 years. In this case it's safe to say dreams do come true. In 140 days I'll be moving into my dorm room to begin this new journey ! I'm a little excited as if you couldn't tell haha ! :)

One thing most people don't know about me is im a strong and passionate person. I'm willing to fight for what I deserve and not give up. Unfortunately I've been through things most people will never have to go through in life and in my heart I tell myself that's okay it's made me who I am, it's made me strong :). I lean on Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11 even on the hard days :). I'm always encouraging everyone because I know how it is to have people discourage you, no one deserves that's :).

My positive attitude comes from knowing that there is hope because I found hope in Jesus. I'll admit some days can be hard, DUH we're human ;), but even the hard days I can encounter peace through Jesus :).

Plenty of times people doubt my ability to do something. For instance, no one ever thought I would be the person I am today. No one could've ever imagined me living my life for God and serving him in all I do. Again, I would NOT be the person I am today without going through things in my life I have gone through. I'm so thankful for my testimony. When you have people in your life who are constantly discouraging you or telling you that you can't do something it can be tough. In my life I've found that the more people tell me I can't do something the more I lean on God. The more I encourage myself in the word the more I build myself up. I also find the strength inside myself that gives me the will and passion to fight for what I deserve. I refuse to settle for less than what God has for me.

I've made it this far on my own with Jesus and I will continue making it on my own with Jesus until I reach the place he has intended me to be. I will do all he's called me to do, I will be all he's called me to be. There's no point in telling me I can't do something because if God has planned it for my life, no one can change it :). Just watch me. I'm going into a new season in my life and Lee Univeristy is only the beginning :).

Xo,

Tiffany :)

Spiritual Growth.

Hmm, where to begin ? I've been reading the word and I noticed I had gained so much understanding since my heart has become hungry and thirsty for the word. Gods doing a new thing in my life. As I was reading, some scriptures were just screaming scenarios at me. Things I never understood before were making clear statements and were so powerful when I read them.

I posted the other night on my Facebook, "What if we all became desperate enough to reach out/push through every limitation and touch Jesus like the woman who suffered from the issue of blood for 12 years. Could you imagine what would happen ?". As I was reading about the woman with the issue of blood, it struck me so hard. For 12 YEARS she suffered, yet one day she became so desperate to push through the crowd, she pushed through every limitation, and reached out and touched Jesus. WOW !!!! It still blows my mind.

We sometimes hold ourself back from what God has intended us to have. We set limitations for ourself and never push through them because we want to be content. Other times in our life we are placed in circumstances and situations that we have no control over. Maybe it's health problems, loss of job, abusive relationships, etc. So in our suffering who do we turn to ? We turn to Jesus, right ? We pray and pray and sometimes maybe it feels our prayers aren't being answered. We long for Jesus to reach out and touch us, BUT what if we got desperate ? What if our hearts became sooooo desperate to reach out and touch God ? What if we pushed through every limitation we had and just reach out to touch him?

I can't even begin to imagine what would happen. I definitely believe something supernatural would take place. Something only God can do. Miracles would take place. Whoa. Could you just imagine that for a moment ? Wow. Wow. Wow.

Last night, I posted another post "You've got to come to that place in your heart where you just believe it's going to happen. You don't know how, you don't know when, but it's going to happen. When you reach this point, what could you possibly lose ? If anything, you could gain everything you've been praying for. I believe."

I've doing a ton of reading and I can just feel myself growing more and more. With this, I've just come to place in my heart where I believe it's going to happen. Anything I pray for, I believe it's going to happen. I've prayed before to have faith like this, but I believe you've just got to come to that place in your heart where you understand that this is real, this is what your heart desires, and no matter what you go through it's worth the fight. Maybe it seems you've been fighting your whole life, I understand that feeling well, but one thing I always tell myself, don't give up it's worth the fight, just don't give up.

Any who, just wanted to share what I've been up to. Lots and lots of spiritual growth taking place. I believe Gods preparing me for big things in my life. New journeys, new levels, and miracles. :)

Xoxo,
Tiffany Elaine.

Learning and Growing Up.

Remember when you were in Jr High and you couldn't wait to grow up, to drive, to get a job, to move out, to go to college, to get married, or to have children ? Well, growing up isn't always easy. You have responsibilities that you didn't have before. You aren't protected from the things of this world. You are pressured to compromise your life for things. You have to learn to become independent. If you are planning to go to college you have to make sure paperwork is done, financial parts are taken care of, and prepare to leave home. If your moving out, you have to get a job and a whole new set of responsibilities are added because you will now have bills. All these things aren't mentioned or in the mindset when your young.
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One change you must learn is to be independent. To become independent you must not depend on someone. From the time your a baby until your a toddler you are dependent on your parents to take care of you. When you become a toddler/preschooler you suddenly learn to do things on your own, but you still depend on your parents for your basic needs like food, clothing, shelter, protection, love, and care. This usually lasts until you're 16 when you can start driving and get a job, even then you are still in someways dependent. Now some people may not have the fairytale lifestyle where they have two parents to depend on. Maybe they are the ones playing the role of parents in some ways, so they're forced by circumstance to grow up much sooner than other kids. The quality this posses can be quite hard to understand, but because that child is playing the role of parent they need emotional dependancy. They search for it, only sometimes to never find it.

Another thing you must learn is to overcome your fears. To overcome your fears you must face them. Fears are natural in every human being. Some fears can be severe and others not so much. Such as; fear of spiders, not so bad right ? Well what if someone has a fear of losing everything ? That fear can cause worry, anxiety, pain, hurt, anger, bitterness, and a whole list of other emotions. If you're scared of spiders you can always turn of the tv or kill the spider, but if you're scared to lose everything your constantly obsessing over having everything. There's a big difference in those small fears that you can do something about and the fears you feel like you can't do something about.

Another thing you must learn is you are going to fail. To become successful you must know what failure is. No one wants to fail because it hurts. In our world today, you can get whatever you want at the time usually instantly. Whether it be you're hungry so you go to fast food, you want to listen to a certain song so you go to iTunes or YouTube, you want to watch a certain show you can search for it or record it on DVR to have at all times. We live in a time where we want it now, we don't want to wait. Do you think Thomas Edison wanted to fail 1000 times before inventing the light bulb ? No, I'm sure he didn't. He took his failure and learned how not to do it the next time. It doesn't matter if he continued to fail because eventually after learning what not to do, he learned what to do and it's then that the lightbulb was invented. Everyone wants to be successful but you will fail so take what you've learned from your failure and let it create drive, hardwork, perserverance, and determination. Never stop learning from your failure, only then will you succeed.

I've learned that having a relationship with Jesus Christ is much like all three of these points. You must not be dependent on man but You must depend on God through Jesus Christ and the word. You must face your fears because God doesnt want us to be fearful of the wrong things but to be fearful of the right things. You must fail in your life to know that your failure is the reason why Jesus carried his own cross to die on Calvary so that his blood would cover your failure and forgive you of your sins.

I know what pain is, but because of that pain I know how it feels to have God do open heart surgery and heal the wounds of your heart.
I know what sorrow is, but because of sorrow I know how the joy of the Lord brings a smile to your face and that sweet laughter that is uncontrollable lightens your spirit.
I know what its like to feel weak, but because I've been weak I know that in my weakness God is made strong and he will uphold you and carry you when you can't walk.
I know what it's like to be broken, but because of brokeness I know what it feels like to be free from bondage. When your broken God can begin to form a foundation that is rooted in him and you will be molded to fit his will for your life.

I'm learning in my life that I can't put my sole faith in man. We were never intended to. We were always intended to solely rely on God. Sure, God places people in our life to trust, to encourage us, to build us up, to love and care for us but if you solely rely on that person and they let you down you're going to cause yourself alot of heartache. I'm not saying not to trust people, I'm saying to put your whole trust in God always and not on a person because they're human too.

I'm also learning God is bigger than my circumstances. Well some may say, duh, that's common sense. It may be, but when your human we tend to allow our circumstances and the pain of our lives dictate and determine our outcome. If God said it in his word, it is so. Nothing can change what he says. Everything in this world is his. No one, no thing, can determine what he has already said we were going to be or do in life.

Our "Amen" at the end of every prayer wasn't meant to be just an ending to a dialogue it was meant so that when we end "it is so, so be it". I want to start meaning "Amen" when I pray to God because when you ask you will receive and we live so low of what God has intended for us because we're not asking him for what we were intended to have. We compromise and settle for less. I don't want to settle, even if it doesn't come instantly, I don't want to settle for less than what God says I deserve. If God says that he's going to provide for me to go to school for ministry AMEN "it is so, so be it", if God says he's going to birth something in your ministry/church AMEN "it is so, so be it", if God says your going to be healed of the illness you've been battling and your wondering how much longer you have to battle it I say AMEN "it is so, so be it" you're healed. You see AMEN is a powerful word that can change your life, but we must have faith. What is faith, Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. It doesn't work the way we want, we cant say God heal me then I'll believe in your healing, we must believe and have faith to posses your healing.

I'm also learning not to care about what people think of my relationship with God. At Winterfest when I believe it was Clay from Hillsong New York who said "You weren't called to fit in, you were called to be set apart". I knew that so many times I have limited myself and Gods will because I was more concerned about fitting in with other Christians instead of wanting to be set apart to carry the fire of God to a generation that needs revival. I can only be accountable to God for my relationship, we can't worry about what others will think of our relationship with him. If you have to impress everyone else so they think your some super holy saint of God then you need to reevaluate your relationship with God, because so many times we are pretending to be something we weren't made to be, so we limit Gods power and love when it's limitless to begin with.

This isn't just post-winterfest hype for me and I'm not some super spiritual teenager who is living by a temporary moment of an event. This is what my heart craves and desires. This is what I was made for. I was created to serve God and to bring his word. To be part of a revival in this generation that will spark a revival in this nation. I have never wanted the favor of God in my life to fulfill the call on my life as much as I want it now. This is my life. This is what God has purposed me for.

I have alot of growing up and learning spiritually to do, but that should always be a continuous thing throughout ones life. I can't look back on my life and wonder what it would have been like if I didn't serve God to his full purpose, because that's a life wasted. It took "ONE MOMENT" for God to wreck me, to break my heart, to destroy all I've ever known so I could know his will, his purpose, his plan for my life.

Hope this post reaches someone.

Tiffany Elaine

Pursue Your Dreams.

Here I sit at 3:45 am on February 9, 2012. It's been awhile since I've blogged and figured I'd update everyone on what's new in my life. Where to begin ? Well, without going into detail the last 3 1/2 months have been full of change in my life. Have you ever had so much life changing things happen to you at one time that you become so overwhelmed ? I must admit, I've found myself overwhelmed multiple times, sometimes daily. What can I say, I'm only human :) Ha-Ha ! (Lol)

Now onto the recent exciting news.
You may or may have not heard that I've recently been accepted to Lee University. Now, to understand why Lee is such a huge dream of mine, you'd have to understand that Lee is a place I know God has planned for my life. Also to understand my excitement, you may or may not know how many trials I've had to face to reach for my dream. There has been so many obstacles that could have broken my dreams of going to Lee but all I can say is, it has been Gods will and his hand has been in the situation. I am so blessed and so thankful for that. When I got the news Monday, February 6th, I was happy, exciting, overjoyed, blessed, nervous, and anxious. I think those are pretty normal emotions right ? Ha-ha ! Moments later my aunt had to chime in that it's only 6 months away until I will be leaving ! That totally threw me into being scared. Get this, any bird when it's ready to leave the nest is always afraid to spread it's wings and fly. They fear that they'll fall instead of fly. Did I really just compare myself to a bird ? Maybe I've been tweeting (twitter) to much. Ha-Ha ! (You've got to laugh, it's so good). Anyway, it's only been 3 days since I found out and I already feel sooooo anxious whether it be exciting or stressful, anxiousness is never good. Ha-Ha ! To watch a purpose then become a dream, and a dream to become a reality is so beautiful. No matter how many times people tell you that you can't do something and you beat the odds, that's something you can be so proud of ! I can't tell you how many times I was told I could never make it, I'd never make it to Lee, or my dreams were unrealistic. I remember one day when I was told to give up my dreams because they were so unrealistic, and truthfully many times early on I tried so so so hard to forget about Lee. Thats the truth ! The great thing is, every time I did try to forget about Lee, God always reminded me that his purpose for my life can't be ran from. You can run, but until you surrender you'll just keep running. Thankfully, it was only a short while that I decided my purpose and my dreams were bigger than any word of "Impossible". Impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try. Did I get sidetracked ? Oh well, I spoke from the heart. Ha-Ha !

So ! That's just recently. Many ups and downs, but in the end I know I'm blessed and highly favored. (huh, hello, did you just read the above) :). Winterfest is coming up soon. I'll be attending with some pretty amazing ladies Ashley and Angie. It's going to be fun, but I also am expecting God to do great things. I'll probably blog off and on throughout all the exciting new things. :)

Xoxo,
Tiffany Elaine

P.S. - Every college kid stresses about how they'll pay for college and I need a MIRACLE. I believe God has his hand in the financial aspect of it, so if I could ask you as my friends, family, and Christian brothers/sisters that you will pray daily and agree with me that God will provide in any way, shape, or form. I believe in miracles and I know God still delivers miracles. One of my favorite verses is Matthew 21:22. I appreciate the prayers in advance. If dreams that seem so impossible can come true, I believe miracles than seem impossible will come true. :)