Update: Lee University.

Hey guys.

Well.... I wasnt going to write this nor was I going to share it, but its going to get out to someone soon enough so I wanted it to come from me first.

I am officially leaving Lee University as of tomorrow (Sunday). Please let me explain what happened.

Before you jump to conclusions, I did not chose to leave because I missed home or anything like that. The fact that im actually leaving is so devastating. Lee University has been my dream for the last 4 years, and right now im actually not sure if that was Gods plan for me at this point in time right now.. Wait. I know what you guys are thinking already, I have said that I feel Lee University is where God has purposed me and where he wanted me to go. I truthfully really felt that. Now, here comes the confession... Something I didnt ever show was really the hesitancy about Lee University. There as always been a pull in my heart about coming here, and to be honest maybe I convinced myself so much that this is where God wanted me when all along this may not be where he wants me right now.

Right now im torn. If you knew the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain I have been in since yesterday its almost something I couldnt bare to be honest. Thankfully I had youth pastors and some great people who mean alot to me texting me, calling me, and checking in on me. Although at times I simply just could not answer the phone because of the anguish I was in. To those people, you know who you are, and honestly I could not have made through this without those people.

This isnt an easy decision for me. I love it so much here and I have so many friends, my college was even offered to be completely paid off believe it or not. I love my roomate, my dorm room,  and I love sitting at the eternal flame fountain late at night with my friends sharing Gods amazingness. I just feel like this isnt Gods plan right now. You may not understand it and thats okay because right now I dont even understand all thats going on. I can say though that im in alot of pain emotionally and spiritually and need alot of prayers. I know God is going to get glory for this, I know that no matter what his calling on my life is still the calling and he will continue using me regardless if im here at Lee University.

I feel like alot of people are going to be disappointed in me, but I cant do this for anyone else and my motives need to be in the right place (which in a way I feel like they werent). I need to do this for me. Like I said I wish I could stay this is the most amazing place in the world, im in awe of its beauty. Its just right now I dont think its in Gods timing and plan.

Im struggling with the fact that alot of people are saying im "quitting." I guess im just going to have to be strong and really dig in and lean on God through this time because he knows my heart in this. I was talking to my youth pastor on the phone earlier and like I said i've cried non-stop since i've been here, havent slept, hardly eaten, etc. As I was on the phone with her, I had been holding myself together all day because of the various things that was mandatory for me to attend today, and so talking to her I just lost it. I told her "I dont want to give up on my dreams." She told me something that really struck me she said "Just because you are leaving Lee University does not mean you are giving up your dreams." That really struck me because, I feel like im failing alot of people right now. Thats why I really feel like I need to get my heart back in order, focusing on God, and digging into his word to get an understanding of his plan.

You guys probably dont understand this and I understand cause like I said I dont really understand it right now either. Things that i've confessed in this blog are things i've hidden and kept to myself, which was a mistake. I should have prayed about this alot more and found out what the pulling in my heart was instead of just getting wrapped up in my own dreams and doing something that may or may not be Gods plan for my life.

This is so crazy for me to say because this is all i've ever wanted, for 4 years!!! I have worked so hard in everything to get this far, but again like I mentioned earlier, did I get wrapped up in my own dreams and forget the purpose that God had for me???

This is something thats going to take time for me to understand, its feelings that I cant really describe unless maybe you've went through something similar.

I do want to ask you all for your prayers though and encouragement. To be honest im quite frustrated with myself, but there is nothing more that I want than to live for God every single moment of my life and in every moment he get the glory. If I did convice myself that this was Gods plan then I apologize. However, it still may be Gods plan for me to be at Lee University someday, I dont know. Im going to let him decide that when the time comes.

If any of you know what im going back to when I go home, you must realize that this is a really hard and life defining decision i've had to make. I feel like i've been looking for happiness in things, people, and places for a long time now and tonight sitting in the service, God spoke these words gently to my heart as I was praying "You've been looking for happiness, peace, and prosperity in things, people, and places where you've thought you'd find them. All along I am the one who loves you, cares for you, and I have a plan for you. Stop listening to all the voices that have been clouding my vision for you, and come to me. Stop being fearful of your brokenness, I am the healer of the broken things, and I will piece your life together how I designed it to be." Sometimes I fail to realize im only 18 and im going to stumble in my walk with God because im human, but there's nothing I want more than to be in his will everyday of my life. Im just trying to discover what that is right now.

This is probably something I should've done a long time ago, but this situation has really put me in a place of desperation (how coincidental is it that just last Friday I spoke on desperation and here I find myself in the situation). Anyway, im really sorry if i've disappointed people, or have failed to be the person you wanted me to be. I've listened to too many voices for too long and its time I get back to the one voice that is all that matters.

As I write this im getting ready to start packing my things. Be in prayer for me, send positive comments, etc. Im digging into the word and finding who I am is not who God wants me to be in this moment. I love you all and thank you all for the support. I know i've not been the most positive person lately, and I want to say im sorry for that. My faith has really showed a lacking and that is no one's fault but my own and only I can change that, but God is bigger than all of this right now. I want to focus on him. Thank you.

- Tiffany Elaine

Its not over.

After laying in bed for the last hour trying to get a little bit of sleep before we leave, I just couldnt do it. I cant describe how im feeling to be honest, so I wanted to try and blog this moment so I could look back one day and see it. Bare with me if its a little crazy, my mind is going in 75 million different directions.

First of all, I feel like there is this heavy truck sitting on my chest. I want to cry, but im telling myself to be strong. Encouraging myself with bible verses, listening to praise and worship, and praying. I dont know why this is so hard and scary for me, its not only the place where I feel God has called me to be, but its been a dream of mine. I will admit it, I am the worst person to deal with when it comes to change. It stinks! Im going to be okay, im sure. Right now I just cant see through the painful part of this transition. This is the part of the process where I feel like God has to break me to mold me into who he wants me to be. As I type this I have this really heavy lump in my throat that aches as I try to fight back the tears, im sure know what im talking about. I dont want this whole experience to feel negative, but right now my heart is hurting for an unknown reason.

Im tired, and exhausted at this point would be an understatement. I wish I knew what God was going to do, I wish I could see how this all is going to play out. But, thats not faith at all.  How little is my faith right now? Ouch!

All I know is im so glad that this world isnt our home, I deffinetly could not live here forever. My heart aches knowing i've had to say goodbye to people who have been holding me together during a very difficult time.

I will admit right now I need God more than I have ever, I need prayers, support, and encouragement as I try to keep my focus on his will for my life.

I need peace in this painful transition.

As long as God gives me the strength im moving forward. Its not over.

- Tiffany Elaine

Moving Forward.

Wah!!!

Let the emotional week begin, as if this weekend hasnt been emotional enough. I must face my denial this week. Regardless, im moving.

I knew following the call of God on my life would be a journey, but wow, this journey has been much more different than I could've ever expected. Dont get me wrong its an exciting time, but its also been a time of sacrifice for me.

 

 

No matter what, I have to face my fears this week. Especially when I know that by moving to Lee, im following where God has called me for this season. I have wanted to turn back multiple times during this journey, but a man told me a couple months ago "Do not let anyone or anything stop you from going to Lee this fall, you have to go." His words echo in my mind everytime fear arises.

I am leaving people who right now hold me together in the season im in.

Honestly, im not sure how im going to leave my Youth Pastors Mark, Rachel, and little sweet Chloe. I mean I miss that little girl after a day, not seeing her will be hard!!! Rachel and Mark have been so incredible to me. Words cant really even say how much I will forever love them. They are like parents to me. I will forever be in debt to them for the love they've shown me. I know God has them in this season of their life; working with the youth at West City Cog. He is deffinetly blessing their lives and taking them into a new place. Everytime I try writing something about these two, I seem to be at a loss for words. To be honest, I dont think there's enough time in the day to say how much I love them and how much they mean to me. They're not just friends, not just youth pastors, but they're my spiritual parents. It seems silly to feel so sad about leaving them considering i'll see them on my breaks at home, but its just not the same when you're living far away.

Shawna,

Wow... How could I even begin to imagine leaving this girl?! We've been through SOO much together. When she went through Cancer it was really hard for me as a friend to watch her go through it, but not once did she complain or say something negative about it. Thats amazing in my eyes. She is my spiritual sister, and she's going to live an amazing life! A relationship with a bestfriend is one of the most amazing things in life, always knowing that person is there for you 1000000%.  Im going to miss our talks, our lame silly jokes, our car ride, writing on our Youth Pastors car windows ;). Who knows maybe in 2 years Shawna will be at Lee! :)

Its a possibility.

I am really excited to finally begin my life, to start this new season, to walk in the call and will of God. I've been thinking lately about how different this new life is going to be for me. If any of you know me, you'll know what im talking about. Mark told me last night "you do not have to live like that anymore." That touched me because fear seemed to be a constant emotion through this whole journey, and to hear someone who loves me reassure me that the past is about to be over, this chapter of my life that i've been going through for sooo many years is about to come to close.

I was laying in bed last night about 1 am and I was thinking "Dreams seem so exciting when they're just dreams." Its so different when dreams become reality. Growing up is fun, you find a sense of freedom, but its also a huge huge huge responsibility! Im not saying I have it all together, but I know that I try my very best to be responsible and mature when it comes to making "grown up" decisions.

I guess the main thing that scares me is, leaving a season i've been in for so long. It creates a sense of fear, and only some will understand what im talking about. A fear that says "what if I miss this season when its all ive ever known?" Now, only some of you will understand what im talking about. I am going to spend this week packing my things into totes, loading them into the car, and driving 6 1/2 hours away from this life that i've known. GULP!

Saying all that, im just ready to jump in! Sink or swim. Im tired of being scared of the "what ifs" im ready to face my fears. I've made it this far, im not turning back, im moving forward. Ready or not, im moving forward.